Pets
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Intro
Since STB was written nearly 40 years ago, much has changed in the world of free pets. The Pig Empire doesn't give out free buffalo anymore due to animal-rights people going ballistic and environmentalists going nuts about stripping them from their native wilderness. Still though, there is no excuse to pay for a perfectly adequate pet.
Pound Puppies
Check animal shelters, SPCAs, and Humane Societies. It would be in your (and the pet's) best intrerest to try the animal shelter first, as they still often put animals to sleep while the latter two avoid doing so. With vaccinations, sterilization, microchips, and ID tags, you can get a pet anywhere for free or reduced cost (almost always under $50). Be forewarned, many of these places do a brief inspection of the animal's future home and owner, so clean the place out, shove your brothers and sisters in the basement, and take the bong off the coffee table.
Un-Cut
Craigslist and local newspapers always have pets for free/reduced cost. Free pets won't be damaged by genital removal or dribble problems from a botched spaying that the In-Humane society requires to avoid the pet death sentence. Un-mutilated pets are often more hyper and spirited, much like un-drugged ADD teens....
Food and Board
In terms of paying for shelter or food for your pet, check to see what your animal can/cannot eat and in what proportions. You can often make a nutritious meal for your animal using household food stuffs for a fraction of the price of PetsMart's. Most animals can have a comfortable place to sleep using old towels, bedding, and other supplies in the pad or at the thrift store.
Service Animals
If you don't want to bother paying for someone to take care of Fido during your next outing, there is no need to. Service animals are NOT considered pets by federal law and can go almost anywhere no pets are allowed register this with the state and even if you monkey flings poo there is nothing they can doo-doo.... including apartments, hotels, and restaurants. In most cases, the person with the service animal does not have to show documentation for his/her animal nor for a disability. If anybody asks, you have limited visibility and need a service animal to guide, and a dark pair of sunglasses along with a proper harness on the animal is often all that is needed to keep people understanding. Official service animals include dogs, cats, and monkeys. Just make sure your pet is very well behaved and looks like a legit service animal and your pet can go wherever you go. If you know a doctor have her write a letter or note on an official pad or letterhead prescribing a service pet for therapy reasons.
Dirt Nap
If the time ever comes to euthanize your animal due to incurable (and check with a vet to make sure) illnesses, check with vets and other pet areas for the costs. Many offer very reasonable services. You can often do this yourself in a humane manner, but it's probably worth paying a few extra bucks for a pro to put down old yeller in a safe and foolproof way.
Original Pets
Your local ASPCA will give you a free dog, cat, bird or other pet. Have them inspect and inoculate the animal which they will do free of charge. You can get free or very cheap medical care for your pet at a school for veterinary medicine.
Underground newspapers often carry a free-pets column in the back pages. Snakes can be caught in any wooded area and they make great pets. You can collect insects pretty easy. Ants are unbelievable to watch. You can make a simple 3/4 inch wide glass case about a foot high, fill it with sand and start an ant colony. A library book will tell you how to care for them.
Every year the National Park Service gives away surplus elks in order to keep the herds under its jurisdiction from outgrowing the amount of available land for grazing. Write to: Superintendent, Yellowstone National Park, Yellowstone, Wyoming 83020. You must be prepared to pay the freight charges for shipping the animal and guarantee that you can provide enough grazing land to keep the big fellow happy.
Under the same arrangement the government will send you a Free Buffalo. Write to: Office of Information, Department of the Interior, Washington, D.C. 20420. So many people have written them recently demanding their Free Buffalo, that they called a press conference to publicly attack the Yippies for creating chaos in the government. Don't take any buffalo shit from these petty bureaucrats, demand the real thing. Demand your Free Buffalo.
You can get a free l6mm movie about parakeets called "More Fun with Parakeets," by writing to: R.T. French Co., 9068 Mustard St., Rochester, New York 14609. This great film won an Academy Award for best picture of 1793.
