Pets
From Steal This Wiki
Go back to Assorted Freebies | Return to original Table of Contents
Contents |
[edit] Intro
Since STB was written nearly 40 years ago, much has changed in the world of free pets. The Pig Empire doesn't give out free buffalo anymore due to animal-rights people going ballistic and environmentalists going nuts about stripping them from their native wilderness. Still though, there is no excuse to pay for a perfectly adequate pet.
[edit] Pound Puppies
Check animal shelters, SPCAs, and Humane Societies. It would be in your (and the pet's) best intrerest to try the animal shelter first, as they still often put animals to sleep while the latter two avoid doing so. With vaccinations, sterilization, microchips, and ID tags, you can get a pet anywhere for free or reduced cost (almost always under $50). Be forewarned, many of these places do a brief inspection of the animal's future home and owner, so clean the place out, shove your brothers and sisters in the basement, and take the bong off the coffee table.
[edit] Un-Cut
Craigslist and local newspapers always have pets for free/reduced cost. Free pets won't be damaged by genital removal or dribble problems from a botched spaying that the In-Humane society requires to avoid the pet death sentence. Un-mutilated pets are often more hyper and spirited, much like un-drugged hormone-charged ADHD teens....
[edit] Food and Board
In terms of paying for shelter or food for your pet, check to see what your animal can/cannot eat and in what proportions. You can often make a nutritious meal for your animal using household food stuffs for a fraction of the price of PetsMart's. Most animals can have a comfortable place to sleep using old towels, bedding, and other supplies in the pad or at the thrift store.
Don't chain your dog out; presumably you're getting a dog to have a companion. Nothing says "I love you" like being staked out exposed to the elements all day. Your pet will just become territorial and hostile. If you must keep Fido outside make sure he's got shelter, a soft dry place to lay down and some place to take care of business.
Keep in mind dogs are happy eating things you might be wary of. Dogs are scavengers, carrion eaters, and will happily eat anything. Cooked rice and raw meat will make FIDO happy, you might want to Google "BARF." Keep in mind they will happily eat anything; including things they can't.
[edit] Service Animals
Service animals are NOT considered pets by federal law and can go almost anywhere no pets are allowed including apartments, hotels, and restaurants ... given a few cavets. First fido's gotta act like a proper service animal; your typical service animal has a year or more "education" and obeys in a way that would bring a tear to the eye of the most hardened marine Sargent. They've gotta be clean and well fed; Fido can be kicked for smelling. The establishment can't ask you for proof of disability but they can kick you out if fido pukes or noisily licks his balls. Dogs are pretty well accepted, used to be you could have a service ferret but the laws changed and places can have a legitimate beef with your "guide cow."
You don't have to show documentation for a service animal, but you do have to play 20 questions (well, there's only 2.)
1. Do you have a disability. You don't need to say what your disability is. 2. Was your animal specifically trained to aide you with your disability?
Being depressed and training Fido to kiss you on command probably is good enough.
Now just because the federal law is loose and the states can only extend it doesn't mean in practice that always works. A lot of states have "certification" programs that require affidavits, proof of disability, expensive professional training ... in some areas you might have trouble getting around somebody that's trained to look for their state's tags. You gotta know the rules of your state. Keep in mind service animals are pig magnets and in some states faking one carries jail time. If the establishment makes a "trespassing hobo call" to the pigs over Fido they'll happily explain to the establishment they are the ones getting a ticket if they keep it up, just as soon as they do a warrant check on you and double check Fido's tags.
Anyhow, if you really are disabled and looking for a free service animal there are a couple of options. Most service animals are provided free by charities w/ documentation of disability and a number of people have been known to train their own.
[edit] Spaying and Neutering
To avoid creating more unwanted puppies and kittens that will be euthanized, you can get your pet spayed or neutered for free or at reduced cost at the ASPCA or your local Humane Society. There's other programs that also offer spaying and neutering that you can check out at the following links: http://www.lovethatcat.com/spayneuter.html http://www.friendsofanimals.org/
[edit] Medical Care
Probably the cheapest place to get your pet vaccinated is the animal control office of any city. Shop around; some cities have free rabies vaccine clinics.
Most jurisdictions will have a overly self important animal control warden that will demand proof of registration and vaccination. These tags look just round metal usually with an imprinted town, state, license # and phone #. Depending on your level of transiency and documentation you might be able to claim to be from a town that lacks a license law, print your own at a pet food store, or just register w/ a fake name and address. Proof of vaccination is something that always gets checked pretty commonly (papers please.)
[edit] Euthanasia
If the time ever comes to euthanize your animal due to incurable (and check with a vet to make sure) illnesses, check with vets and other pet areas for the costs. Many offer very reasonable services. You can often do this yourself in a humane manner, but it's probably worth paying a few extra bucks for a pro to put down old yeller in a safe, foolproof and painless way.
[edit] Original Pets
Your local ASPCA will give you a free dog, cat, bird or other pet. Have them inspect and inoculate the animal which they will do free of charge. You can get free or very cheap medical care for your pet at a school for veterinary medicine.
Underground newspapers often carry a free-pets column in the back pages. Snakes can be caught in any wooded area and they make great pets. You can collect insects pretty easy. Ants are unbelievable to watch. You can make a simple 3/4 inch wide glass case about a foot high, fill it with sand and start an ant colony. A library book will tell you how to care for them.
Every year the National Park Service gives away surplus elks in order to keep the herds under its jurisdiction from outgrowing the amount of available land for grazing. Write to: Superintendent, Yellowstone National Park, Yellowstone, Wyoming 83020. You must be prepared to pay the freight charges for shipping the animal and guarantee that you can provide enough grazing land to keep the big fellow happy.
Under the same arrangement the government will send you a Free Buffalo. Write to: Office of Information, Department of the Interior, Washington, D.C. 20420. So many people have written them recently demanding their Free Buffalo, that they called a press conference to publicly attack the Yippies for creating chaos in the government. Don't take any buffalo shit from these petty bureaucrats, demand the real thing. Demand your Free Buffalo.
You can get a free l6mm movie about parakeets called "More Fun with Parakeets," by writing to: R.T. French Co., 9068 Mustard St., Rochester, New York 14609. This great film won an Academy Award for best picture of 1793.
